Even before the pandemic, Ian Sells says he and his wife slapped each other over the smallest of things. They usually apologized afterwards and talked about their problems, but the couple still felt they were walking on eggshells in the relationship. It was not surprising that stress and burnout blossomed into their relationship: Ian worked full time and his wife ran a side business in addition to caring for their children, 3 and 5. The unusual demands of 2020 exacerbated the problems.
“We ran too much,” says Sells, a 39-year-old e-commerce CEO. company in San Diego. “The worst thing is that we had unspoken and unfulfilled expectations of each other, which caused us to become more frustrated.”
Happy, Sells says he and his wife realized they were both burnt out and got help before it was too late. But their pressure cooker lifestyle is not uncommon, nor is it uncommon for burnout to affect relationships: In a Deloitte work stress recording, 83 percent of the 1,000 respondents said burnout had a negative impact on their personal relationships. Among parents, mothers tends to suffer from burnout more often than fathers.
Parents may feel helpless when their partner shows signs of burnout, but they are actually in a good position to help. And because burnout can worsen and turn into depression, it’s crucial to be proactive.
Burnout is common and is not exclusively work-related, say mental health experts. It shares many of the same symptoms as depression, which can make it difficult to identify.
“Burnout and depression are both characterized by low mood, fatigue and lack of motivation,” says psychotherapist and licensed master social worker Catherine Hall. “The only noticeable differences between the two are the cause and the solution. Burnout is caused by overwork and exhaustion, [whereas] Depression has a wide range of triggers. “
Correctly identifying whether your partner is experiencing burnout or depression is not important – what is important is that a partner is struggling with their mental health get help.
“During periods of prolonged stress, our bodies have different ways of dealing with it. Our stress response is really on a continuum, ” ays psychologist Doreen Marshall, Ph.D., vice president of mission involvement for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. “Burnout symptoms overlap with what we also see in depression. People talk about burnout being separate from depression, but it could be that someone who is showing signs of burnout can be really depressed.”
Burnout is typically characterized by a response to stress that is more about dissolution, where people do not feel connected to what they are doing, see no joy in it, and feel negative about it, Marshall says. If you suspect your partner is struggling with burnout, what can you do? Here are other signs of burnout to look out for if your partner is apparently struggling, and how to help.
1. Understand what burnout looks like
Reduced boundaries in all areas of life, especially work, can lead to feelings of demoralization, burnout and apathy, he says. Leela R. Magavi, Managing Director., a psychiatrist and regional medical director for Community Psychiatry. Magavi has worked with mothers who say they have felt emotional and physical fatigue due to increased working hours and expectations, especially amid the pandemic.
“They say what hurts them the most is when they feel that their efforts and hard work are not appreciated by loved ones,” says Magavi. “It creates feelings of loneliness and helplessness.”
Burnout manifests differently depending on the person, but people with burnout can be irritated and get angry quickly, as Sells and his wife found. They may feel low commitment and a lack of interest in work, quickly become frustrated or feel emotionally numb, says psychiatrist Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, MD. A burnout person may have physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach or muscle aches, higher blood pressure and may be less able to ward off infections due to a suppressed immune system. Other signs include sadness, hopelessness and cynicism.
“It feels like you have nothing left to give to the people around you,” says licensed mental health counselor Mary Joye. “Someone with burnout might say, ‘I can not take any more’ when in fact, ‘I can no longer give.’ Not only do they burn the candle on both sides, they have no candle left to burn. ”
Moments of burnout can be followed by moments of resilience, says Diana M. Concannon, PsyD, of Alliant University. Remember that “burnout is not an event – it’s a process,” she says.
Watch out for changes in your partner, Marshall says. People tend to explain things away because it’s easier, but it’s helpful to consider whether changes in a partner’s behavior continue. If so, “Use this as an opportunity to have a conversation about what you notice,” Marshall says. “The the only way to really know is to involve the person in a conversation. ”
2. Listen actively
Open a dialogue with a partner who seems to be struggling by saying something like: “It seems that you are anxious at the moment; it must be really hard for you, ”or“ Let’s sit down for a moment. Tell me how you feel, ”says Rashmi Parmar, Managing Director, a psychiatrist with Community Psychiatry. You can also ask, “How can I make things easier for you? I would like to support you in any way I can. ”
Maintain eye contact, nod to show you are listening, and include follow-up questions and comments about your partner’s feelings, recommend clinical psychologist Erin O’Callaghan, PhD director of therapy for Bright edge. One of the most helpful things you can do for a partner who is experiencing burnout is to provide confirmation and understanding.
Less validation for people is to tell them you suspect they have been burned out, Parmar says.
“Avoid labeling it, even if you know it’s probably the case,” she says. “Avoid focusing on or infusing negative feelings, which can flare up the situation rather than calm things down.”
Sometimes well-meaning remarks can be considered dismissive or minimizing. Do not tell your partner they should just rest or stop being so worried, for example, says Parmar.
“Rather ask them what kind of help or support they prefer,” she says. To tell them everything will be fine, for another example, is probably a false reassurance that does not recognize that some work may be necessary to arrive at constructive solutions.
Also, avoid saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” Parmar says. “Avoid shifting the focus to yourself during the conversation, even if it may be true.”
3. Find ways to lighten the load
There is a lot you can do to help a partner get through feelings of burnout. Emotional and physical intimacy among couples seems to buffer the effects of stress, noted the authors of a study published in 2019. Another study published in 1989 concluded that “alone time,” or “social withdrawal,” helped return air traffic controllers with elevated stress levels to normal.
Granted, it can be difficult for one parent to take on more responsibility, and a partner who does take on more support for their partner may run the risk of having burnout over time. What makes it more difficult is that many of the symptoms of burnout – withdrawal, irritability, unhappiness about the relationship or parenting – tend to push peers away, even when they are eager to help.
“Remember that cynicism can be an effect of burnout, so people who have burnout may not be very sensitive to your emotions,” says social psychologist Kinga Mnich, Ph.D. “It is important not to take it personally and to have understanding.”
Once you have listened to your partner and have better control over how to help, do so. Depression is more complex, but burnout can be alleviated by concrete, and often easy, measures to alleviate your partner’s burden. If you can afford it, send your partner for a spa day, an overnight mini-vacation or even a fitness class away from home, suggest Michael Levitt, the founder and CEO of The Breakfast Leadership Network and author of Burnout certificate. Hire a cleaning service so your house is tidy when she returns.
While pampering and relaxation can help relieve burnout symptoms, remedies do not have to be expensive.
“The other parent can help by doing simple things like cooking or ordering dinner as often as they can,” Levitt says.
Also free is easy put a burnt-out partner to sleep. Adequate sleep is crucial to recovering and preventing burnout, says Mnich: “Sleep regulates our hormones, allows the brain to learn, separates important information from unimportant information, and most importantly, gets rid of waste. The brain produces debris during the day, also known as brain waste. ”
Ttackling more of the childcare and household chores can have a positive effect on a partner experiencing burnout. But do not assume that a night of parenting is a patch that will fix everything, says O’Callaghan.
“A few days away from the kids can definitely help parents restore their peace and reconnect,” says O’Callaghan. “But long-term stress related to family functioning and other external stressors is what leads to parenting burnout. In addition to taking time away, it is extremely important… to address any problems in the home that cause burnout. ”
4. Make contact with mental health resources
For some people, burnout may seem less frightening to talk about or more socially acceptable than depression, Marshall says. It is therefore important not only to take burnout seriously, but to be aware that someone who says they feel burnt out may actually be suffering from depression.
“Sometimes people talk about burnout as a safe way to talk about depression, so it can be a signal to get further involved,” Marshall says. “It may be a safer way to bring it up, or they may not have experienced it before, so may not realize they are depressed.”
Which again is why the armchair diagnosis is not as crucial as listening to how your partner feels.
“When you reach out and say, ‘Hey, I notice you do not look so engaged, or you look really unhappy,’ use it as an opportunity to talk about mental health,” Marshall says. “Whether it’s burnout, or depression or stress overload, there is help and support for it, but many people in it do not realize it.”
With the help of a therapist, Sells and his wife worked to clarify and verbalize their expectations and needs of each other, which helped tremendously, he says.
“Once you remove yourself from the case, focus on more valuable things and have your well-deserved rest, things get better,” he says.
The key to supporting someone who is experiencing burnout is patience, says Concannon: “Burnout develops over time; time is also needed to overcome it. ”
