I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical whore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I have had my fair share of sexual experiences, going out and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I learned a thing or two about navigation issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most urgent sex questions with thorough, workable advice that is not just about “communicating with your partner,” because you already know that. Ask me anything — literally anything — and I’ll be happy to have Sexplain.
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Best Sexplain It,
A guy I like will not date me because I’m a virgin. The obvious answer is to be fucked, but now I’m already in my head at the thought of having sex just for one other person. I waited so long (not for any reason, just circumstantial), but now the idea of having sex to make a point really came into my head. I want to have sex this year, but now I do not know where to start. What should I do?
– The 34-year-old Virgo
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Dear The 34-year-old Virgo,
If your loved one does not want to date you because you are a virgin, move in together. Do not fuck another guy so you can date this one. If his desire to be with you is entirely dependent on you having boned before, it sounds like he might be a jerk anyway.
That said, I’m not against losing your virginity to get over it. It sounds like you’re struggling with dates because you’re stuck in your head because you’ve never had sex before – so have some sex! (Other experts may disagree with me on this, but screw them up. This is my column!)
It does not have to be a big task. There is this false idea in mainstream culture that the loss of your virginity should happen in a room with candlelight on a bed covered with rose petals to someone you love dearly. This is not how it happens to most people! In fact, it is often an uncomfortable and nerve-wracking experience. I could not get hard when I tried to lose my virginity — I literally fled for my girlfriend while she was lying naked in bed. I cried the whole cart home! But guess what? I got it past that initial hurdle, and my sex life is pretty fucking awesome now!
Julia Bendis, host of the comic sex and relationship podcast Someone had to say that.., agree with my advice to go out and lie down — as long as you can keep things comfortable. “If you think you can handle it emotionally without getting attached or regretting [your] choice to have sex because it was a one-night stand (and possibly no future with this person after sex), then I say go for it, ”says Bendis.
This will help you to keep your emotions at bay knowing that your first sexual experience does not define you in any way. It does not set the tone for the rest of your sexual career.
The question then becomes: How are you laid? Easy, is the simple answer. “Tinder is perfect for this” —or any online dating site, says Bendis. If you are dating a guy and it looks like there is a connection, ask him out for an appointment. On the date, if you like him enough (and you feel safe with him), invite him back for drinks. When the date is over, you can say, “Hey, I had a great time with you. Do you want to go back to my place?” When he’s down, it’s when you say, ‘Just a head up, I’m nervous and not the most sexually experienced, so I would like to start on the slower side. But I am very excited! ”
Notice how I did not recommend you to say you are a virgin. This is not something you should disclose unless you want to. “It’s your body, and it’s nobody else’s business,” Bendis says.
34-year-old Virgo, I know you’re in your head right now. I know you built up sex to be this great, life-changing experience. While sex can indeed be life-changing, it is typical not the first time you do it. What’s more important than a single act of sex is your sexual career: how you relate to sex, how it brings you pleasure, and how you use it to connect with others. It can only start when you start fucking. So if you think you’re ready – and it sounds like you are – then jump on Tinder and jump to it.
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