One of the unspoken qualifications of fatherhood is as follows: Myou need to be able to question everything you do, every decision you make and every choice related to your child’s education on a daily basis. But, instead of a “no experience required” warning at the end of the job description, read it: “Experience will be your only true teacher.”
Unfortunately, we do not have the technology to travel back in time and wisdom to whisper to our younger, less confident, self about parenthood. But, as we grow as men and fathers, we learn that shaping our own personal philosophies about parenting (and life, in general) is a process by which we can learn from others’ mistakes and victories. And it’s important to share that wisdom learned there with others
For that purpose, we asked 13 fathers of all ages and from all over the world What would you tell your younger self about being a father? Some shared regret, others had joys and realized what they could only understand afterwards. All their words contain powerful truths for parents of all ages.
1. Make the effort
“When my son was younger, I spent a lot of time outside the house with my friends to relax from work. My wife will always tell me to spend my time the same way I spend my money – carefully and cautiously. But, I fired her. As my son got older, I noticed that he was reluctant to tell me personal details about his life, while he would not hesitate to share it with my wife. It was completely my fault. I realized that my son did not feel so safe with me because I did not take the time and effort to form a strong bond with him when he was younger. It was one of the biggest regrets of my life. ” – Matt, 32, Australia
2. Get in shape
“Staying fit and in shape is much easier than starting all over again. I would tell my younger self not to wait to try to get back in shape. It may seem like children do not move around much at first. But once they start moving, they never stop. You do not want to be the father who can not stay with them at the park or miss out because you are tired. ” – Scott, 36, Washington
3. It just gets better
“When you are young, you think of parties and late nights. They are the most important things in life until you become a father. I was not ready for my previous life to end until I held my baby on the first day, and it just got better. There is a place to have fun while you are young, but do not think it is meant to be. Life starts to get really good when you feel your kids enjoy your presence and love every minute they spend with you. Whether your jokes are good or not, you always have a fan and it’s precious. ” – Robert, 39, Vancouverr
4. Allow your children to make mistakes.
“I would say to myself that being impulsive and emotional does not work out when I nurture a child. A child does so many things that will irritate you, but you have to look at the situation from a child’s perspective. Sometimes you have to bow to their irrational demands or nod your head at their illogical questions. A rational adult is a by-product of the mistakes made in their childhood, so allowing your child to make mistakes is one of the responsibilities of a good father. ” – Isaac, 35, Indiana
5. Apologize when you dry up.
“My father never apologized to anyone. So that’s how I was raised – I thought he was always right, even though I knew he was not. When I became a father, that was all I knew how to do. I never wanted to admit mistakes. Not for my wife, not for my children, and not for myself. As my kids got older, the tension grew and I realized I was wrong because I had that mindset. The first time I apologized to my daughter — like a sincere apology for making a wrong assumption when she was a teenager — it was revealing. That vulnerability began to build trust and improve my relationship with my entire family. I wish I had done it much earlier. ” – John, 55, South Carolina
6. Remember that your children are different from each other
“For parents who have more than one child, there is this unconscious expectation that they can not be so different as they come from the same parents. Wrong. They can and will be very otherwise whether they are either girls or boys. Do not compare one with the other, especially if you happen to prefer one child’s character or attitude. Not only will you subconsciously build the need to compete in them, but you will also cause people to be ashamed of something they should not be ashamed of. ” – Ian, 38 years old, California
7. Stop comparing yourself
“I am a father of five, and one thing I would say to my younger self is not to worry about what everyone else is doing. Do not compare yourself to other dads out there. Instead, ask yourself: Do you have a better day today than yesterday? If the answer is ‘no’, you need to find out why and work on it. If the answer is ‘yes’, then there is reason to celebrate while still knowing that you can always improve. Never compete with your parenting. Just work on being a better you every chance you get. ” – Greg, 45 years old, Kentucky
8. The most important thing your children need is wisdom.
“I always thought it would be good if I committed myself to bringing in the money and supporting my family in this way. It was only after my divorce that I realized what a big mistake it was. As a single parent, I started sharing stories of my experiences and lessons I learned the hard way with them. It was lessons about responsibility, about life becoming difficult, and teaching myself to see challenges as opportunities. Those conversations brought us closer, and my children began to tell me about the important events in their lives while asking for advice. None of that would have happened if the only thing they got from me was money. ” – Elliot, 56 years old, Toronto
9. Let your children teach you
“I remember that I was very afraid of being inadequate as a father. I thought I should already know everything so that I could be ‘qualified’ as a father. Looking back now, I know that learning and teaching is a complementary process. As long as I am willing to learn constantly, I will be guided by what to teach. I would tell my younger self that embracing the journey of fatherhood means giving up those feelings of inadequacy and learning all you can. ” – Brogan, 37 years old, Australia
10. Trust yourself
“I later found out for myself that many of the lessons I learned in my favorite business books would have been invaluable as a parent. I would tell my younger self that, even if it’s all going to feel brand new, your skills and instincts from other areas of life still apply. Trust them, grow them and use them. If you do not like reading parenting books, go back and read about your favorite business books through the lens of being a dad. Looking back, I think books like One Minute Manager and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People can be incredible tools for a new parent. ” – Anthony, 41 years old, New York
11. The ‘boring’ stuff will feel exciting.
“Seeing my child reach all the normal milestones was much more powerful than I expected. I always thought, ‘So your baby said his first word? What’s the big deal? ‘ Well, as a parent, you spent months trying to discern this baby’s unfathomable needs every minute of every day! And then, finally, it starts to make sense and feels like making contact with a space alien from another galaxy. Same for walking. “Who cares? A first step? It’s just walking. ‘ Not at all. Now you can start going for walks where you do not carry around this magical blob every minute of the day. You can put them down on earth and let them go somewhere and make decisions and explore new dimensions. Once you are knee-deep in the reality of raising a baby, all the seemingly ‘boring’ milestones feel incredible. ” – Nate, 39, California
12. Being a good father will make you a better person.
“So straightWhatever it may sound like, being a dad has helped me become a better person, both personally and professionally. When I was young, the uncertainty of parenting made it seem incredibly challenging. And it is. But it changes your view of the world in a way that makes you focus more on things you have instead of those you do not have. This is a game changer. Fatherhood is not just a valuable experience because of your love for your children. It teaches you to be better everywhere. ” – Nunzio, mid-50s, New Jersey
13. Meet your children’s friends.
“Usually play dates are spent socializing with the other adults while the children play. I wish I would have spent more time getting to know my son’s friends while they were growing up. They have been friends for years now, and they have all these jokes and things that make them laugh. I would not want to intrude on that, but I wish I had paid more attention to the discovery of those things, and just watched the dynamics unfold between them. When kids play, it’s like, ‘Okay, nobody’s bleeding, everything’s fine. But I can remember times where I actually sat and observed them, and it was really fun, wholesome, and interesting. I wish I would have reminded myself to do it more often. ” – Jeff, 40, North Carolina
