Talking about sex in a relationship – and asking the right questions – is an important part of every relationship. But what does a healthy dialogue about sex look like?
“Healthy couples do not really make a big deal when it comes to sex,” says Jackie Golob, a mental health counselor and sex and relationship therapist at the Center for Sexual Wellness, “The key to good sexual communication is consistency. Predicting begins the moment we wake up in the morning. We need to communicate our needs in ways that help us as a couple to compromise to please each other, make each other feel safe and we to look forward to the next sexual encounter. ”
Cay Crow, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sex Therapy Supervisor adds that one of the benefits of maintaining this dialogue is that whenever any issues may arise, there is no inconvenience to address them.
“Good sex does not just happen,” she says. “Couples must make an effort to keep the flame alive through prioritized healthy communication. If sexual desire decreases, healthy couples will address it. They may see a doctor to physically examine themselves. They can address specific areas of need through therapy.
Carol Queen, PhD, and staff sexologist at Good vibrations, adds that successful communication about sex is a skill, and that honing it will inevitably lead to better overall communication in your relationship.
With their help, here are six things that all couples who are good at sex talk about.
1. They talk regularly about their sex life – at the right time
Healthy conversations about sex should occur regularly. It is important that couples talk about everything from desires to more specific matters related to intimacy. And, as Queen emphasizes, when you have it, it’s important. “It’s not just what you say, but when you say it,” she says.
In other words, you need to know when it’s right to discuss sexual matters. Because such conversations will only work well when both partners are in the right mindset.
“Good communication means making sure your partner has the emotional capacity to talk intimately,” she adds. “If they do not, scheduling a later time can enable a couple to focus more positively.”
When conducting the discussion, attention is essential. “Active listening allows couples to go in with what they heard their partner say and make sure they understand what is meant,” says Queen. “If something is misinterpreted, it can be caught immediately, rather than leading to a devastating rabbit hole.”
2. They put sex on the calendar – and talk about the upcoming date
“When we come up with excuses like ‘I’m too tired’ or ‘I’m too busy’, our partner becomes less of a priority,” says Golob. “It’s healthy to write down dates and plan times to have sex.”
What’s important is that couples should sit down and discuss days when your combined workload is usually lighter, and you expect enough free time to get really involved. Then place it on the calendar, set some notifications and use the days leading up to the act to increase the anticipation.
“Healthy couples can tease each other leading to real sex,” Golob adds. “They share what they’re looking forward to, and their minds can daydream and wander through the week.”
Scheduling sex naturally increases communication about the upcoming sex, but of course also increases communication about sex in general. ” Plus, it beats a week of cold showers.
3. They talk openly about their likes and dislikes
A sexual wish list is wonderful. This can lead to deeper discussions and exciting new bedroom rituals. But it is not a legal document that you or your partner are required to comply with. The communication of that reality, per Crow, is essential for a healthy sex life.
“Every partner needs to feel safe, secure and calm,” she says. “Sex is mature play – imaginative and free-flowing. Healthy couples communicate by appearing as who they are, and now who they think their partner wants them to be. From there, with a little creativity, it becomes easier and more natural to approach their partner’s desires. ”
Healthy sex, she adds, is a celebration of the relationship. “Improper communication about what you do or do not want to do can bring negative energy into the relationship, which will only turn off both of your desires.”
4. They talk about their triggers – and do not embarrass their partner
“Anyone can have tender places in conversation that bring up previous vulnerabilities or issues,” Queen explains. “Couples who communicate successfully are not blinded by it. Instead, they recognize when such topics arise, possess the answers and get past them without putting blame. ”
For any sex discussion, blame should be avoided absolutely at all costs, as it unfairly turns our problems into our partner’s. “Using language such as ‘You always …’ or ‘You never …’ shows that we are trying to make an issue the sole responsibility of our partner, instead of also accounting for our own role. give, “she adds.
5. They talk about a sexual menu
Healthy couples know how to classify their personal sexual skills and preferences based on comfort level, boundaries, arousal and curiosity.
“You do not possess your partner’s sexual preferences,” Crow explains. “Just like food, you or your partner may be in the mood for different things at different times”
She regularly advises couples to communicate by coming up with three columns of sexual activity. The first column contains what you like and are going to do. The second, you can try. And the third, which you absolutely will not do.
Because the definition of sex can vary so widely, this exercise is a great way to strengthen communication if your signals have become unclear, as well as to get a better idea of what your partner is having during sex.
6. They talk about and validate each other’s sexual strengths
Affirmation is essential for any healthy relationship, including a sexual one. People, per Golob, are programmed to think negatively, and sex is often an area of communication in which specific phrases can have a lasting impact.
“For every negative thought or remark we hear, we need 3-5 positives to rewire our brain and rebuild its neuroplasticity,” she says. “Healthy couples understand and empower each other. They make sure to address everything, while focusing on positives and allowing their partner to share as well. And during these discussions, they are open, honest and involved. ” Learning what specific phrases, types of questions or rewards (sexual or otherwise) make your partner feel more confident will boost your ability to communicate as a couple. and from the bedroom.