What are the major relationship issues currently plaguing couples? It may not be something you want to invent, a lamp you do not want to rub. But it can be helpful for your marriage to at least have an idea.
First, knowing the pain points of other couples can help you and your partner understand that you are not the only one dealing with a problem, which in turn can make issues easier to discuss. For another, it allows you to consider what problems might be in the future (Do we need to make more time to talk about your relationship? Should we think about scheduling sex? Do we need to see a therapist to work on our communication skills?) and take measures to prevent them from sprouting.
To get an idea of some of the issues that marriages are currently facing, we turned to those whose job it is to listen to problems: couple therapists. We asked them to discuss the relationship issues their clients have been struggling with lately and what they have suggested to make things easier. Surprise, surprise, communication is the key.
The problem: Emotional distance
What couples say: With the hustle and bustle of everyday life that couples are heading in a variety of directions, it can be very easy to get lost and shift one’s focus. Before long, couples feel like they are on completely different wavelengths without any way to reach each other. “It can put the partners on opposite sides,” says Michele Goldman, psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation Media Advisor, “and can easily lead to people becoming defensive about their position and feeling unheard of by your partner.”
The advice: Bring it up. It is important to work together to find the reason for the emotional disconnection and to work together to resolve issues that will work to resolve them for both of you. “If you’ve fallen into a rut and feel stagnant in your patterns,” Goldman says, “talk together about how to change it.”
The problem: boredom. Serious boredom.
What couples say: Couples are now together more often than they are not, and a sense of routine and mundaneness can creep into the relationship, and things can start to feel hollow. “Spending hours next to each other on the couch to flip their phones and watch another round The office, or checking emails on their laptops does not really meet their intimacy needs, ”says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist, founder of A Better Life Therapy, and author of I want it to work.
The advice: There’s no easy way to avoid the fact that you’re going to be together more often than not lately. The key is to make the most of your time by adding spontaneity and rituals to your day. “Healthy couples have both daily rituals and more long-term rituals,” Earnshaw says. ‘A daily ritual can be something quick, like drinking a cup of coffee together, to share joint attention. It means you do the same thing at the same time – watch the same program without cell phone distraction, cook something together, fold the laundry, or even short and deliberate moments of love. ”
The problem: we speak different languages
What couples say: “Couples often discuss how their partners do not hear them accurately,” Goldman says. “When we feel unheard or feel that our words are being manipulated, we can easily become defensive. Sometimes it feels like we have to nag our partner for anything to change; sometimes we feel like we are being tormented. ”
The advice: Get in the habit of reflecting back to your partner what it is they are saying. Let them know that you heard them and give them a chance to let you know if you heard it or processed it correctly. “For example,” Goldman says. “If one partner says ‘I’m on a deadline, I have no idea what time I’m going to be home tonight, have dinner without me,’ ‘the other partner says,’ so it sounds like you are not not sure what time you are going to be home due to work, I have to eat without you and you will be worried about your own dinner. Is that right? ‘”Although it may feel strange, it allows the first person to know that you have heard them and to repeat them again if anything is lost in translation.
The problem: A sexual misalignment
What couples say: “Some people explain that they are ‘too tired to have sex’ or ‘not feeling well’,” says Goldman. Other times she hears that sex has become something that is only involved on special occasions. The issue of feeling that they have fallen into patterns and routines with sex is common, with couples saying that nothing spicy happens because it takes too much time and effort.
The advice: According to Goldman, it is important to note that intimacy and sex are two different things. Intimacy is about commitment and closeness with your partner. To start your sex life quickly, you must first return to intimacy. “Think about what you like about your partner; think of your first few appointments, remember together, spend quality time together, ”she says. “Communication is the key when it comes to intimacy. If something feels unfulfilled, discuss it together. ”
The problem: increased alcohol consumption
What couples say: Working from home, and being at home in general, has led to a number of bad habits creeping into people’s lives. One of these, therapists report, is an increase in problematic drinking. “When inquired about the development and course of heated arguments,” says Rebecca Phillips, a licensed professional counselor, “clients often report that alcohol contributes to the intensity of fighting.”
The advice: Do not wait until your partner’s drinking has gotten out of hand to address it. If you feel there is a problem, talk and try to eliminate it early. If it’s too much of a challenge to address on your own, consider getting a therapist involved. “Not only can a qualified therapist help you address the problems that arise in your relationship due to alcohol, but they can also help you develop skills to manage underlying stress and improve overall well-being, says Phillips,
The problem: Stress leads to constant complaining
What couples say: The problems start when one partner’s stress overwhelms the relationship, leading to constant complaining and irritation. “It’s never been fun listening to a partner when they’s having a bad day at the office, getting busy or tired of their brother or sister’s drama – and that’s always been important,” says Earnshaw. “However, we know that when couples struggle to respond well to each other’s stress, they tend to see their relationship deteriorate over time.”
The advice: When one partner feels that they are just a container for their partner’s stress, it can become almost impossible for them to feel empathy or any kind of understanding. The solution, says Earnshaw, is co-regulation. “It happens when one person shares their stress and in response the other person is actually stroking their own body to stay calm in the presence of their partner,” she says. “You can do so much for your loved one if you learn how to take care of those physical symptoms in yourself. The wonderful thing about partnership is that when you keep your body calm, it can actually help your partner to keep their body calm as well. ”
The problem: A lack of compromise
What couples say: Therapists report that many couples come to them and say they do not agree on how to navigate their lives in the current climate. Do they go out and run the risk of getting sick, or do they stay home and stay isolated? Do they send the children to school or daycare, or do they also keep them at home? “While differences in how to live life are nothing new in the world of couple conflict, they are getting worse,” Earnshaw says. “I also find that more and more people are struggling to take perspective and make compromises.”
The advice: Many times when couples disagree, it becomes a game of oneness, with neither of them wanting to give any ground. Everyone just wants to “win”. However, compromise is far more important than simply forcing your partner to submit. Do your best to listen to your partner and understand them, their needs and fears and empathize with them. “In these cases, the best solutions are creative – it usually does not seem like one of the people’s initial ideas – and it includes aspects that meet both people’s needs,” says Earnshaw. “You do not want to create win / lose solutions, because ultimately the biggest loser will be your relationship.”
