On several occasions, I have embraced the role of a unicorn, or the hard-to-find bisexual (or, in my case, pansexual) female DTF in the world of swingers and open relationships. In this mythical role, my tits, ass, hands and mouth are highly sought after by couples who want to spice up their love life with a third.
These couples are known as unicorn hunters in the world of ethical non-monogamy. Typically the man is heterosexual, while the woman is strange or heterosexual, but people of everyone sexualities may be interested in these arrangements. And it’s not all about no-strings attached sex – not that there’s anything wrong with pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Sometimes these arrangements lead to closed FMF triangles.
Some unicorn hunters can be problematic (more on that later), and the practice is certainly not for non-monogamy beginners. Sometimes feelings of jealousy and insecurity arise. I mean, you’re basically juggling four different relationships. This is inevitable. In my experience as a bi-babe, some couples have made a legitimate investment in equality, while others have been caught playing ti-for-tat with my time and attention. Life as a unicorn is not just glitter and rainbows.
But when does a group dynamic work? It’s damn magic. Here’s everything you need to know about ethical unicorn hunting.
Why did unicorn hunting get a bad reputation?
Too many couples are going to work in a disrespectful way to a third, according to Rachel Krantz, author of the new book Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation and Non-Monogamy.
“Enough couples behaved badly that the whole practice of an established couple looking for a third party got a bad reputation,” Krantz says. “When couples objectify a potential third party on the basis of their appearance, race, gender, sexuality or any other characteristic, it is dehumanizing and a big turnaround. This behavior often comes from places of unexplored power and privilege, as well as some toxic norms of relationship in our culture. ”
Often, established couples come from a very hierarchical mindset, Krantz says. Since a couple will usually put their desires and needs first, things are unlikely to ever be the same – which is perfectly fine if all parties agree on an asymmetrical set-up. But when an established couple only thinking of their own needs and fantasies, Krantz says it can lead to objectifying behavior.
“This is where we get the tropics of the unicorn as an attractive bisexual woman who will show up, show equal interest in both members of the couple, and then leave,” she says. “This framework leaves no room for the individuality or humanity of the third person.”
So, you guys are a couple who want a threesome. Here’s how to go about it.
To begin with, Krantz suggests listening this episode of Multiamory. It breaks down the question of whether it’s ethical to seek a third party, and if you go for it, how not to make it strange. “Speak not only privately as a couple, but also in advance with the third person, so that you are all on the same page about expectations and boundaries,” she adds. (By the way, avoid using the term “unicorn” unless the third party uses it.)
Just because someone meets your desired criteria does not mean that they are necessarily in pairs, threesome or you, add Stella Harrisintimacy coach and author of Tongue-bound: Develop communication in sex, kink and relationships and The ultimate guide to threesome. It may come as a shock, but not all bisexual women want to bone you and your SO (Unless you are Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling, in which case, yes, I definitely do.) But seriously, stop all sexualize bisexual women as potential unicorns.
“It’s important to remember that the person (the third) has feelings, and that, unless it’s their twist, they do not want to be objectified as a mere instrument of pleasure / sex object,” Krantz says.
The only way to find out what a third party is into is to communicate. “Remember that your third is a human being with their own desires, needs and wants,” says Harris. “Make room for their fantasies and their requests.” She adds that it is important to be aware of this couple privilege and how not to abuse it in any way that harms the new person.
“The best trio are the ones where everyone did their homework first,” says Harris. “It means all the self-work needed to be able to communicate clearly about sex and relationships, including being able to say no – even when it might disappoint someone.”
What is the worst mistake that unicorn hunters can make?
The worst mistake a couple can make is to look for a third before they are actually ready, Harris says. “Too often, couples start looking for potential mates before they really thought through the idea of a threesome.”
She asks: Have they done all their work to figure out how to deal with jealousy? Do they understand their boundaries and how to talk about it? Are they ready to have a trio that includes the needs of the third, rather than one that comes with a strict list of rules for the third to follow?
“It’s so tempting to chase after what you expect the ‘fun parts’ to be,” says Harris. “But if you have not thought, planned and negotiated in advance, it will not be fun at all.”
Let’s hear it from people who like to join couples!
For me, being a unicorn is all about bending sexual freedom, and hopefully exploring with a GGG couple along the way. (GGG, which stands for “good, give and play,” is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to suggest the qualities he thinks make a good sex partner. Think “good in bed,” “giving equal time and equal pleasure,” and “game for anything — within reason.”)
Being a third party is not something I actively seek. That said, when such a scenario does unfold and involves care and communication, it is a welcome addition to my long list of sexual interests.
Because Krantz is bisexual and often enjoys receiving and being more submissive, joining a couple is a natural dynamic for her. “I love the novelty and attention, the feeling that I increase pleasure twice,” she says. “Also that I am the ‘object’ of their excitement. (Although that same language of objectification is offensive to many, it’s one of my twists and turns.)
She did not actively seek out these experiences during the pandemic, “but I hope the opportunities will continue to present themselves in the future,” Krantz adds. “If they do not, I will probably look for them more proactively.”
Krantz also enjoys being on the other side of the dynamic, with a new person joining her and a primary partner.
Can a couple fulfill a threesome fantasy without actually having a threesome?
There are many ways to enjoy a threesome fantasy without ever adding a third person to the mix, Harris says. “[Threesomes] can be good food for dirty talk and role-playing, and sex toys can help a lot to mimic the excitement of a trio, ”says Harris.
Trying virtual or distant threesome with phone sex operators or camera performers can also be good exercise wheels before sharing physical space with a third person. (They are also more Covid-safe!)
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